The Importance of Therapy

It's been years since I have written. I have been through my own struggles and sacrifices. But no excuses, let's get back to the important topics. And some topics more important than others. This blog will branch out to other topics once in a while. Pretty much anything on my mind.

                          -Friendly Neighborhood Therapist. 

     I've written on the importance of therapy once before. It seems that the conversation never gets old because not enough conversation is happening. I used to write for a blog; one that I thought would enjoy the conversation. However, I soon came to realize that they only cared about their own voices and beliefs. Again, stifling out the voice of mental health. Mental Health continues to be pushed to the side because it is not important, not going to make you money, does not include any information of our favorite artists or actors. It is not so much an important point as politics, or the hate that is being exposed in our country, or making sure that our voice is heard and opinion made popular so that our own brand of justice is more important than others. One thing that I know for sure; currently our moral compass has been shot. Whatever it is, from lack of religion in schools to negativity being allowed to show its head more freely. More and more negativity, stress, and problems plague us today. So much of it is a problem. That is the definition of a disorder btw… when a problem starts to interfere with our daily functioning.

World, we have a mental health disorder… and we are spiraling into the worst of the mania.

     Being that we are visualizing, discussing, and at times, internalizing the hate that is happening today, taking care of our mental health is more important than ever. Some of us know it, some of us are quietly doing something about it, others see it like eating healthy: I should do it but maybe I'll start tomorrow?  Mental Health is just as important as your physical health. We take wellness exams and yearly checkups to make sure that we are doing well. You can do the same with a therapist. Pop into an office and discuss how your life is going. Organize thoughts and process some feelings. You don't have to have overwhelming anxiety or depression to work with a therapist. You don't even have to go every week. You can work with your therapist on a schedule and a list of goals that work with you. It is harder to get through those issues when you wait longer to get started.

     We currently live in a state where we have more on going stress on us that normal. Adulting sucks guys… I would rather your feel weird for speaking to someone, than end up in crisis. Start in stages.  Try some small coping skills: working out, eating a good meal, hanging with friends. If it seems that your negative energy is not reducing, then seek some help. Really, it's ok.

-Your Friendly Neighborhood Therapist 

Bag Lady

Don't bring baggage from an ex-relationship into the next relationship, unless you expect it to be a short trip...

In the past two years, I have traveled more than ever in my life. I take pride in my ever practicing ability to shove as little (or in reality, as much) as I can into a carry on. Challenging myself to not have to pay for baggage fees. I remember as a child, going on road trips, having my suitcase, and a bag of things for me to do. Homework, summer reading, notebooks, travel games, music, nonsense. This same practice came with me as an adult. One road trip my sister looked at me and just didn't understand why I had this extra.. filled to the max, book bag of items that I never even used while there. Here I was... as an adult.. still doing it, not logically thinking about my ability to use any of it on my vacation.

When we think of emotional baggage, I imaging the same look of disappointment on my sister's face as she realized that between me, and a third sister, she wasn't going to get any lazy, backseat sleep, because of the lack of room due to our 'extra baggage'. I don't think she wanted to ever go on another road trip either. Emotional baggage is like that. It can cause problems, impulsive actions, misconceptions, mistrust, in another person who may not deserve it. It is a roadblock towards a possible, greater happiness, for you, and the other person involve.

So a few questions here: how do we recognize them? How do we rid ourselves of them? And, well... should we accept our significant others when they come to the Baecation with a few extra totes, handbags and man-purses?

Yea.. I said it..... MAN PURSES..... ya'll know I'm always including you emotional creatures...

How do we recognize them

 Well this is easier than you think: Self Discovery. What are things that trigger anger, anxiety, stress? This can.. and will, be another blog. Emotional baggage can be anything that we experienced from our child hood to our adult relationships. But one thing remains critical to a solid relationship: Know and Love thyself. By doing these two things, we can sort through the baggage, and have a more meaningful relationship. I must say. I was VERY SUCCESSFUL in packing for 5 days to Miami, including a three day conference, in a carry on, including all the natural hair care products. Not a book bag in site. What possibly do I need at a beach front resort other than flip flops, a suit and a good book? Hell... I'll be drinking too much to even open the book CHUCK!!!!!

How do I unload my baggage safely.

A number of ways. Most importantly, choosing to be happier. Choosing to deal with whatever hurt or anger that you are carrying around with you. How important is it to you to keep holding on to it? Will you be that mad woman who holds on to her dead marriage after her husband kicked her out of the house, yet Shemar Moore is looking at you with longing eyes and chiseled abs???? No problem... pass me Mr. Moore's number. Start thinking about how these negative thoughts and emotions are affecting your current life and relationship. Have a good conversation about it. There are a number of self help books, fancy journals, and therapists at your disposal to help you sort this out, and not spend so much time lugging things around. Or make a decision to know it, accept it and keep it. As I prided myself on my small luggage, my cousin went on a weekend trip to Dallas, a conference where she had to make several outfit changes in a day. This included 10 pairs of shoes. A few of which were connected to one outfit because she couldn't make a decision what she wanted to wear with it.

Now. The Million dollar question. Should my Jamaican Lover have to deal with this? Well Stella.. let me stop...I only wrote that line because of the dude sitting in his car next to me as I write. 

Well that's a matter of choice. I think we can all agree that we wouldn't want to deal with someone else's miss-trust, insecurities, random bouts of anger. Then why would we want to impose it on other people. It wouldn't be fair right? It is always best practice to go into a relationship knowing yourself, and loving yourself. If you want somebody else to have a love and appreciation for you, you may want to show off how amazing of a person you are. However, is also important to know that we are human and imperfect creatures. So in a love and a bond as strong as you may build it, it just may be able to handle one or two extra totes and man purses. It is possible folks. There will be someone to love you with your flaws and all. I mean, they aren't called the real housewives of whatever city they're in because they're single. Small Jab, sorry, not sorry.

Well loves, this is been another day of life lessons learned. I encourage you to discover those flaws of yourself; what baggage are you bringing to the table that you know you gosh darn don't need on a beach in Tahiti. While you meditate on this, I implore you to take a moment to listen to the baddest, the queen, the one who spoke on baggage and the women who carries them, Miss Badoula-Oblongata, Founder of Baduism... Ms. Erykah Badu..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqN0jsSeqPo

Lies and Scandal

Sooo Clearly, my post about renewal while great meant nothing as it is about a year and a half since I wrote my last post. So much life has happened since then. But it was ok. That post was a beginning. It a beginning of me finding happiness and doing things that I love. It was me being ok with loving myself.

So onward... with a renewed since of confidence. Such as in the confidence that one needs to have when getting out there and meeting someone new. Yes. Confidence is needed. After almost two years of being single, I'm trying to understand why it's been difficult. I have to finally admit, that I'm doing something wrong. So here are a few things that I have found out about myself.

1) I'm on the road to becoming an Old Cat Lady.
        So I got a little kitty. He has finally gotten out of that stage where I have to explain to people that no, I don't cut myself, I have an adolescent male cat. Aggressive. Adolescent. Male. Cat. He has since calmed down, but, that's not the point of the title.

I Don't Go Anywhere!!!

        I got to the point that I do soo much in my free time that I don't have time to go out somewhere and just be available. So when I do have time, I either melt into my favorite spot on my couch (something else I bought that I absolutely love and cannot live without) and fall asleep to the sounds of what ever tv show that I need to catch up on. If I do go out, I find myself in deep thought, with Bitchy Resting Face, desperately trying to not yawning in people's faces. I don't know about you, but that's not really conducive to meeting new people. I was even invited to a Speed Dating session - something I have always wanted to do for the experience - and I could not go. So I've decided to shed some things from my life. But that will be a blog for another day.

2) I don't put myself out there

I seem to be one of those people that was looking for luv to come to me. Why? I don't know. Lazy. Looking for a miracle. Thinking that one of these days 'He' is just going to be sitting at a coffee shop, not being able to help himself from staring at my gorgeous face as he is trying to dive into some intellectual book. And then he walks over and says something witty that gets my sheepish, flirtatious smile from me.....

Ya'll see the kind of nonsense in my head.....

I know it doesn't work like that but yet my brain insists that it does. Well no more. Ladies you have to get out there. If you feel that twitter or bumble works for you, then go for it. Sadly, I never had such luck (hmmm... another blog posting???) Realize that you are a confident woman and just go do it. practice your flow. I will say, (shamelessly) that I recently volunteered at a convention for men. I didn't flirt so much, just had lots of casual conversations with men young and old. Lack of confidence can be seen like when you clearly rolled out of bed not even putting deodorant on. People will know. I faked it, and apparently it worked.

I've also been reading a book lately 'You Are A Badass' by Jen Sincero. Gosh..this book is really great. She seems to stick it to you about how low in confidence you maybe and how easy (we think) it is to exude confidence.

But Loves, live magically. Live long and prosper! I'll give ya'll more stories and thoughts as I explore this myself.

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall - F. Scott Fitzgerald

To all my gents and southern belles, it has been while. Life changes and less than sub par events led me to be astray from.. well me. Also, it just takes me a while to sit down and start writing. The thoughts in my head are there, the actual writing part... well, life doesn't slow down enough for that. Luckily for me though, it has finally calmed down. I am beginning to breathe and actually do the things that I have thought of to do. So un-southern of me, *clutches pearls* to be on the move. I mean, why am I bringing the hustle and bustle of New York into the deep south??

But anyhoo, I won't go into the ideals of starting over and anew (though my post title is a really great quote and gives me a since of renewal because I love, love LOVE the fall). I'll simply just start where I left off...

A book I'm reading at the moment, You Can Go Home Again - Monica McGoldrick, talks about family dynamics. We have so many connections within our family generations; patterns, it seems, that we are destined to follow. Acceptable patterns or not, we seem to follow these patterns without fail, unknowingly becoming our parents, or grandparents or aunts that we hoped to either be or not be.

Do you know what pattern you are following? Are you close or distant with your family? Do you even care to figure out? Genealogy seems to be a new trend, or at least, one that people talk about like it's on their resolutions list for the new year yet doesn't budge from its spot. We all want to find out where we came from and for most, it's a sense of figuring out who you are. That was just a small plug for the TLC show Who do you think you are? What I like about this show is that it is just as important for them to figure out the person they are learning about as well as find the path through their family history. How did they end up here? Who were important figures in their lives? What family stories are hidden that relate to the individual searching? Did we truly end up Southern by the grace of God?? (Hallelujer!)

So it is not just a ploy to have some drama on a television show about a famous person's family tree. It really does mean something. It has the potential to shed light on our lives and bring families closer together once they really begin to understand each other. When you finally slow down and find the time, I encourage you, before it's too late, to go searching. It's not going to happen over night, but answers that you seek are there, you just have to ask the right questions, are willing to get down and dirty, and share some tea. I encourage all to do this. I know that especially for African Americans, the road may fall short at some point, though I know that it's worth it. My grandmother began her history years before she past. We have enough information at least to pull pieces together for America, though there is more to discover as our history spans to France and the Canary Islands; and the most fascinating thing is....this is only the surface. There is still so much that needs to be discovered here. This is also only my maternal side. I still have MANY questions to ask on my paternal side.

Journey on people! you may have a new story to tell at the next big family gathering..

Individual Reminders for continued Success in Love.

 

 

 

Keep remembering you are not bound by any man, though the pain still hurts and steams, and it continues to rise, as lava seems to do, and flows slowly towards the sea. Calming waters rush around, cooling, out of the mist will you find relief.

 

It's strange, how we gravitate to what is ultimately our demise. Don't we know no control anymore? Are we just butterflies and other winged creatures that are attracted to a bright light just to be shocked and our short lives gone? Why do we hurt ourselves for what we want most? Yes, success doesn't come without a little sacrifice and grit, but to what cost? They say that the heart wants what it wants but should it be at the expense of it's sanity and the possibility of it just dying, broken beyond repair? What use is a heart after that? The one that time can only heal and how long will it need to mend itself? Or does it just learn that it is unloved and never good enough and it roams this earth until it gives away knowing that it was never good enough? Yes, the heart wants what the heart wants and it wants to be Loved. But we, as humans, we continue to search when we forget that we are our alternator. We can hold an endless supply of love that when the heart does go searching for what it wants, it's complementary and not our only life source. Why would we want to be with something that we consider our only life source? To be controlled. It's same thing that can drain us of our endless supply of fulfilling love.

 Find something that brings your heart over the moon and back. It reaches beyond the stars and continues to go farther. It can never go farther if it's your only sack of gold. If it's a wolf in disguise then it will bite a hole into your  sack and drain you. It hurts. And it wounds, but fight the battle of declaring your love for YOU. Mothers always want to give their children everything hey ask for, but they understand the importance of giving us what we need, what we want can wait when our need is fulfilled. Find the love source that will give you what you need and want.

Mama's boy!

Normally, I would like to do a serious blog.... but today, the White Z had to be poured and the rant had to begin...   

     So, the other day I was watching the Steve Harvey Show and there was a segment on love and relationships. The couple who were shown were having an issue with the mother being too involved with their relationship. The couple had been married for 3 years and they loved each other completely though when any issues arise, the husband went straight to his mom to ask for what he insisted was 'insight' and 'support'. The wife's perspective was that he never discusses their issues with her, and she feels left out. More importantly, she describes a typical night being that he comes home, already on the phone with the mom, spends another few hours talking to her, then washes up and goes to bed, NEVER even saying hello or 'how are you' to his wife.. Now after some discussion, and of course a family therapist expert, you can tell that the mother seems to instigate the issue, and she still considers her son her baby. Though she seemed to understand that she needed to cut the umbilical cord finally. 

BUT!!!...But, But, But! The INSTANT the mother is serious and tells her son that he needs to confide in his wife, he starts crying. Not, the one tear cause this is a sad situation, but CROCODILE TEARS. Boy I wish I could find a snap shot of that episode cause this picture up theur is the only thing that comes close. (phonetical pronunciation of the word there for you grammar geeks). Steve Harvey says 'see, this man had been carrying all this conflict inside and he is stuck in the middle'. BUT!!! the man replies that his mother is the one who he feels closest to and who is he suppose to confide in if he doesn't have his mother? 
Well I just about died.  Because....
WHY THE HELL DID YOU GET MARRIED THEN!!

I Better be the only woman that you are confiding your issues with unless, you feel that you want a second opinion from another woman, or it is dealing with your relationships with me, and you are comfortable talking with your mother. But not for everything?!?! What am I to you then, your servant? The one who cooks and cleans but too dumb emotionally to discuss with you your thoughts? I am your WOMAN. The one you married and hopefully before you proposed, you figured out if you could talk to me. I mean what did you think was going to happen between us nightly. In between rounds in the bed we will be talking. MY thought is that something else is going on and it's not really the mother. I thought at first she was really instigating and covertly sabotaging the relationship, but I think that she is dealing with her baby boy, and acting like a co-dependent to his issues.  
I bet, if we take a look back at what is happening now with that couple, the relationship has either gotten worse, it has come out that he is really not happy with his wife/can't communicate with her/ whatever the case may be, or it has gotten better only because he has admitted to his issues and they have worked on it. Because ladies, WHAT grown MAN do you know has cried over not being able to talk with his mother for three hours a day? And because he wanted to.
I'll leave you with that question to ponder. I'll be back with another blog on a more calm subject but I needed to have my moment. Feel free to have a moment of your own and comment. Leave a question, a thought and it might be on the blog! If you would like to see the episode that I am discussing, you can try the Steve Harvey website, though I only found a link to a blog about the segment http://www.steveharveytv.com/episodes/steve-helps-a-wife-who-says-her-husband-is-a-mamas-boy/ you can also use this link to find out more of what time and channel the show is on if you are interested (he's pretty funny on the show)
Also, on youtube, I couldn't find the whole segment, though there is a 31 sec clip which can show you what I'm talking about.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9udWyxa87M

Sexy, but not wit cha mama......

To Know me is To Love Me

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard


To know the past, can help us to understand the future. May people don't understand that. The past can be hard to look at, but it's important, because we need to have that understanding in order to have a better tomorrow. Simply put, we tend to seek out individuals who we feel comfortable with in intimate relationships. Consciously, we don't see it, but take a second and think about the interaction that your significant other has told about themselves and their parents. Do you interact in the same way?
A girl I know discussed how the argument between her and her boyfriend would become so intense that they would end their relationship and she would begin the process of leaving, moving out. In an old email she read, she remembered that he told her how her parents would argue: his father would storm out, stating that he wasn't returning, yet would come back after several days. Something she definitely did not want to keep happening every other month.
The interactions we had as children between us and our parents, seem to continue today as adults. The theory is called Adult Attachment. So again, it's important to take a moment and think about our current relationships and what maybe happening that we disagree with or do not like. If you notice a pattern, then maybe, it's time to search for doing something different. But looking into the past may not be such a bad thing. You may find something that worked well, and can work for you. What does this mean? Generally, all the time, we come into a relationship with baggage of some sort, some heavy, long term trip, or some light, overnight. But are you willing to let the other person see it and help carry. Can you help carry that load and deal? This thought for another day.....

For more information, look up books on adult attachment theory, most specifically I like Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, or new in publication: Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.